Monday, April 20, 2009

amulet

from the oxford english dictionary:
skull and crossbones: a picture of a skull with two thigh bones crossed below it, formerly used by pirates and now as a warning symbol.

pirate: without permission.

In recent months I have somehow acquired many things with the skull & crossbones on it, and I think it serves as a warning of mortality as well as a reminder of potential, as well as a warning to others.
An amulet. An object worn to ward off evil. But, what if the evil is within the wearer? There is evil inside. Not by my standards, but by those of others. I have been othered. I don't believe I am being expected to obey the same rules as everyone else. In my own mind, I am above the law.

I thought most of my actions sprung from my love of people and things. I love my friends and I love my cats, my zines, my green velvet pillow, my books, my record player. And I don't find much wrong with that, or expressing it. Warning: I do not find anything wrong with love. I don't find anything wrong with expressing that. If that means writing ten pages about my love for hello kitty merchandise, then hell, that is what it means. I am in love with life and this world, and that is why I react violently to threats made upon life and peace. Holding back is not what Kerris do best. I have been told never to play Poker, because my face exposes what I am feeling or thinking, and it is true. I used to be able to. I used to keep a lot of shit inside where it could hurt me. I am not about self-destruction. And I have resisted the urge to start smoking again. And I have resisted the urge to head out to a random diner to pick up a random guy, because men make for good distraction. Warning: I openly confess to using people in the somewhat distant past, and know I am quite capable of repeating this pattern. I do not ask permission for what I want. If I can not buy it, I can obtain it through other means. Bartering is one way. It is not the only way. When we desire something so much it keeps us up all night, we may devise ways of procuring it. Creative ways. When I wanted to go to graduate school, I filled out applications and begged & borrowed & spent so much of my money on this. I can't afford to go out to bars if I wanted to. I figure out ways to make things work. Warning: I am highly ambitious, motivated, and determined. I do not need to be granted permission. If there is a Code Red, I will not seek permission to leave my house. It is my right to be wherever I wish to be, and if that means putting myself in harm's way, so be it. I do not seek permission to speak my mind, because it is my right, whether the government sanctions it or not.

"I don't give a damn about my bad reputation"
I think living within safe boundaries only ensures that one be ordinary, and nothing more. When I was watching American Beauty last night, I realy focused on that part. "There is nothing worse than being ordinary." It is a great line, and while I can think of a few things worse than being ordinary, I think it is a generally true statement. I don't need to live by the rules and laws of others. I have been ostracized for this, and understand that it will [the ostracizing] continue to be a central part of my life, but I have no desire to sell out.

I wear the skull&crossbones at my work. It makes me feel like I can handle everything. It reminds me that there is something bigger than all of us. I do believe in god, but my conversations with him lately have been as I was falling asleep at three in the morning before having to get up at six, and I haven't been able to talk about much beyond wanting a continued preservation of my life. I have not even gotten around to asking for guidance. I should be demanding miracles. I should be demanding that teaching job, now. Everybody asks why I am only subbing. Even students think I'd be good teaching English, which is a surprising compliment, but puzzling at the same time. Why must I jump through hoops when it is clear that I am more than qualified to teach English to high schoolers? Warning: I can project my voice and I can send kids down better paths than they were traveling on. Warning: I will say exactly what I think about procedures and panic and rules.

Warning: I don't need permission to exist and I will not apologize.

40 comments:

九份 said...

^^ 謝謝你的分享,祝你生活永遠多彩多姿!........................................

簡單嗎 said...

幽默並不是諷刺,它或許帶有溫和的嘲諷,卻不傷人,它可能是以別人,也可以用自己為對象。........................................

開心唷 said...

may the blessing be always with you!! ........................................

麗君 said...

從未遭遇失敗的人,對自己或是別人,都是一知半解的。 ..................................................

于芷奇名 said...

看到你的好文章真是開心 加油囉.......................................

NylaWoodcock0502 said...

幸福是人人都要,又怎麼可能都歸你所有?要知道這世界幸福本來就不多........................................

RexTemples20144 said...

TAHNKS FOR YOUR SHARING~~~VERY NICE ........................................

BurtonClary031 said...

Thx ur share........................................

林60102asai_sistrunk said...

人必須心懷希望,才會活的快樂,日子才過得充實,有意義,有朝氣,有信心。........................................

kusoman said...

志不立,天下無可成之事。

登山 said...

才華在逆境中展現,在順境中被掩藏。.............................................

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廷伸廷伸 said...

you two make a lovely couple............................................................

佩怡 said...

成功可招引朋友,挫敗可考驗朋友 ............................................................

estherme said...

人有兩眼一舌,是為了觀察倍於說話的緣故。 ..................................................

兆以 said...

人生是故事的創造與遺忘。..................................................................

禎峰 said...

不要把生命看得太嚴肅,反正我們不會活著離開。..................................................................

雅信 said...

我來湊熱鬧的~~^^ 要平安快樂哦.....................................................................

怡潔怡潔 said...

好熱鬧喔 大家踴躍的留言 讓部落格更有活力.....................................................................

玄雨 said...

死亡是悲哀的,但活得不快樂更悲哀。......................................................................

江婷 said...

幸福不是一切,人還有責任。.................................................................

賢林賢林 said...

一個人的價值,應該看他貢獻了什麼,而不是他取得了什麼............................................................

天花天花 said...

Hello~安安唷~很高興見到你哦!!............................................................

懿綺懿綺 said...

blog不錯唷~我會常常來看的~加油~!! ..................................................................

PearleY建佑 said...

如果相遇.你會感到相知.那麼.有一種習慣叫做陪伴;如果陪伴.你會感到珍惜.那麼.有一種甜蜜叫做存在!..................................................................

婉婷 said...

唯有用熱情、用智慧去觀察事物,這事物才會把他的秘密,洩漏給我們............................................................

承蘋承蘋 said...

如果你批評他人。你就沒有時間付出愛............................................................

宋瑞正宋瑞正 said...

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.............................................................

方偉白方偉白 said...

凡事三思而行,跑得太快是會滑倒的。..................................................

宮惠如宮惠如 said...

這樣的情感,真是值得人羨慕..................................................

陳佑發 said...

「仁慈」二個字,就能讓冬天三個月都溫暖。..................................................

孫邦柔 said...

生存乃是不斷地在內心與靈魂交戰;寫作是坐著審判自己。..................................................

劉黃志宇建娥 said...

More haste, less speed..................................................................

彥麗威霞 said...

Pen and ink is wits plough...................................................................

王李慧萍政勳 said...

失去金錢的人,失去很多;失去朋友的人,失去更多;失去信心的人,失去所有。............................................................

怡屏 said...

一個人的價值,應該看他貢獻了什麼,而不是他取得了什麼............................................................

惠邱邱邱邱雯 said...

人生是故事的創造與遺忘。............................................................

翊翊翊翊張瑜翊翊翊 said...

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done today..................................................................

佳張張張張燕張張張張張 said...

時間就是塑造生命的材料。

千TatianaCallan惠 said...

你怎麼能經過一片海,而忘記它的藍?......................................................................