Friday, March 06, 2009


I am annoyed with non-direct people, and then I realize that lately I have also been one. I want all the exceptions in the world. But I get angry when I see people unable to make what are to me, simple decisions.

I should put this in some context. It's the whole situation with D*...and basically, it is like this. When I started to sort of hang around with him, he started to not flirt with me as openly in class. This whole week, he's been real quiet in class with me, talking a lot more to other people. My immediate reaction was a weird jealous "what the fuck".

I backed up a little.

I've gotten quieter too. Then I thought about this. He doesn't divulge much about his private life. I'm kind of the opposite. People ask, I tell them more than they ever wanted to know. I didn't know he was dating anyone this year until he told me they had broken up a few months ago. In this way, the quietness makes sense. I'm figuring things out. He is an outrageous goofy flirt...but that is just plain flirting. When serious things come up, he gets quiet and serious. I had been used to dealing with a certain type of guy for so long, and then there is D*, who is as different from anyone I know. I mean, he actually likes sports.

Probably, I should not be posting this in a public space. I don't think anyone cares though. Most people who find this blog seem to be looking for illicit sex or furniture. Luckily, there is nothing illegal about D*, and well, he has furniture, which is more than I got. I think of all the very good reasons he has to be reluctant. I don't think the army smiles upon their boys sleeping with anarchists. Not that I've slept with him...but I can dream.

So, he probably does not know what to make of me, just like I can't figure out what to think of him...and I do not think I made my point enough with him about commitment. He was saying/asking "You aren't ready for commitment yet?" and I think if I just said "yeah, that's right", it'd be disco, but instead I had to get into technicalities by saying "It's not that I'm not ready for committment, it's that I want nothing at all to do with it." And I don't. Not with him or anybody. I thought it was funny, that he would worry I was trying to rope him into something, when he knows every last detail about my life...and those details do not involve "going steady." Monogamy does not work for me. I don't desire waking up next to the same person everyday, to be greeted constantly with their bullshit, and then to inevitably, dump all my bullshit and baggage right back on them. I don't much mind waking up by myself, but once in awhile I change to that routine would be cool.

When I asked questions, I got answers. Admittedly, I was nervous as hell. Remember, I'd rank him right up there with John Travolta, Harrison Ford, and Pierce Brosnan in the looks department, even though he actually does not resemble any of them. I wanted to ask him what flavor crack he was smoking to invite me back to his place. I don't think he realized though that I wanted him like that until I called him a tease. (I swear to God, I have never called a guy a tease before. Look, you just don't put me alone with somebody like that, and then expect me to not rip his clothes off. I might have been less polite if I was not relying on him to drive me back to the school where my car was, since I had no fucking clue where I was in New Britain).

He was so quiet around me today. When I asked him questions, he'd answer. It's not like he was cold. It was like he was scared. That kind of bothered me. Maybe not scared...maybe nervous. He's been quick to bolt lately. My Stapler Girl noticed that too. He'd jump up before class and run over to the grinder place across the street, or he'd leave the room and then coming flying back in. I don't know if he's afraid I'll say something to embarass him. I don't know if my presence just makes him nervous and antsy, but I know it's me. I don't know what my boundaries are. I think he is a little self-conscious because a few people in our classes have asked if we were like boyfriend and girlfriend...and then yesterday at the end of class, the professor (who he is friends with) said "Thank you for listening, and for your comments, and for the interesting chemistry between students in the room" while staring at him. It is strange to think I could unnerve someone who should not be phased at all.

Enough analysis. He won't be around this weekend, so I will have no excuses to not do my paper.

No comments: