amulet

from the oxford english dictionary:
skull and crossbones: a picture of a skull with two thigh bones crossed below it, formerly used by pirates and now as a warning symbol.

pirate: without permission.

In recent months I have somehow acquired many things with the skull & crossbones on it, and I think it serves as a warning of mortality as well as a reminder of potential, as well as a warning to others.
An amulet. An object worn to ward off evil. But, what if the evil is within the wearer? There is evil inside. Not by my standards, but by those of others. I have been othered. I don't believe I am being expected to obey the same rules as everyone else. In my own mind, I am above the law.

I thought most of my actions sprung from my love of people and things. I love my friends and I love my cats, my zines, my green velvet pillow, my books, my record player. And I don't find much wrong with that, or expressing it. Warning: I do not find anything wrong with love. I don't find anything wrong with expressing that. If that means writing ten pages about my love for hello kitty merchandise, then hell, that is what it means. I am in love with life and this world, and that is why I react violently to threats made upon life and peace. Holding back is not what Kerris do best. I have been told never to play Poker, because my face exposes what I am feeling or thinking, and it is true. I used to be able to. I used to keep a lot of shit inside where it could hurt me. I am not about self-destruction. And I have resisted the urge to start smoking again. And I have resisted the urge to head out to a random diner to pick up a random guy, because men make for good distraction. Warning: I openly confess to using people in the somewhat distant past, and know I am quite capable of repeating this pattern. I do not ask permission for what I want. If I can not buy it, I can obtain it through other means. Bartering is one way. It is not the only way. When we desire something so much it keeps us up all night, we may devise ways of procuring it. Creative ways. When I wanted to go to graduate school, I filled out applications and begged & borrowed & spent so much of my money on this. I can't afford to go out to bars if I wanted to. I figure out ways to make things work. Warning: I am highly ambitious, motivated, and determined. I do not need to be granted permission. If there is a Code Red, I will not seek permission to leave my house. It is my right to be wherever I wish to be, and if that means putting myself in harm's way, so be it. I do not seek permission to speak my mind, because it is my right, whether the government sanctions it or not.

"I don't give a damn about my bad reputation"
I think living within safe boundaries only ensures that one be ordinary, and nothing more. When I was watching American Beauty last night, I realy focused on that part. "There is nothing worse than being ordinary." It is a great line, and while I can think of a few things worse than being ordinary, I think it is a generally true statement. I don't need to live by the rules and laws of others. I have been ostracized for this, and understand that it will [the ostracizing] continue to be a central part of my life, but I have no desire to sell out.

I wear the skull&crossbones at my work. It makes me feel like I can handle everything. It reminds me that there is something bigger than all of us. I do believe in god, but my conversations with him lately have been as I was falling asleep at three in the morning before having to get up at six, and I haven't been able to talk about much beyond wanting a continued preservation of my life. I have not even gotten around to asking for guidance. I should be demanding miracles. I should be demanding that teaching job, now. Everybody asks why I am only subbing. Even students think I'd be good teaching English, which is a surprising compliment, but puzzling at the same time. Why must I jump through hoops when it is clear that I am more than qualified to teach English to high schoolers? Warning: I can project my voice and I can send kids down better paths than they were traveling on. Warning: I will say exactly what I think about procedures and panic and rules.

Warning: I don't need permission to exist and I will not apologize.

House Arrest

Because I was not doing my homework, I had to put myself under house arrest for tonight, even though there was someplace I really wanted to go. Also, I am grounded tomorrow night too. I have a 25 page paper due Monday, and because of a million reasons (mostly hatred of subject and professor, partly being distracted by hotmail [explain that joke later]) I procrastinated like crazy. For the past two weeks, I had a whole 3 pages of it done. Tonight I wrote another 7, so I am up to 10. I decided to just babble throughout the paper. It is not academic, it is crapademic (as my brother would say). No, it wishes it were crapademic. Words you will find in this paper (since I must stick with my tradition of strangeness, but there is little context in this paper for these words. Mostly, I just hate this and decided that it is my own special way of giving the bird to a professor who is going to fail me because I lack her enthusiasm for the subject matter):
props, cunt, hymen, deflowering, construct.
Did I mention I have to read this paper out loud to the class? I'm hoping that it both pisses off the professor and gets D* riled up enough to interrupt with some lewd comments. Did I mention the other night I dropped the syllabus for this class on my bedroom floor? That's not the good part. The good part is that my cat was in my room, and of all things for her to piss on, she peed on that syllabus. I should tell the teacher, "Even my cat hates you."

About that Hotmail...in one of the classes D* was giving out his email address to someone and the girl looks at me, rolls her eyes, and goes "Let me guess, it's hot male". She had me laughing so hard I thought I was gonna cry. Well...I know, it isn't his fault he's the only good-looking guy in the room (other than the Harrison Ford-look alike professor). The funny thing is, his mail is hotmail.

article iou's for when i feel better

1. lockdown and codes
2. leave no child behind AKA make 13 kids suffer for the benefit of 7
3. propaganda
4. homo-hatred
5. analysis of things
6. refusing to conform to bullshit social rules AKA how to fuck up your life in ten different ways
7. deconstruction of the bill of rights
8. my cats
9. my inability to play puzzle games when i am upset. My inability to function when I am upset.
10. rumors, gossip, lies and hearsay

**anything else you want me to babble about, let me know.